


Exire Solus

by SaltAndBurn (AlyssiaInWonderland)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Depression, Despair, Don’t copy to another site, Existential Angst, Gen, Season/Series 08, Suicidal Sam Winchester, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-10-19 01:01:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17591753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlyssiaInWonderland/pseuds/SaltAndBurn
Summary: A look at Sam's mindset during and just after the Trials.***Please be aware this work may trigger people with depression or suicidal thoughts, so keep yourselves safe and stay away if this is something that might hurt you!Remember, you can always talk to someone, even just a crisis line. Always Keep Fighting <3





	Exire Solus

Sam didn’t want to die.

That’s what he told himself, day in, day out. Because, ultimately, it was true.

He didn’t want to die; it would be inconvenient and it would probably screw with the people who - for some misguided reason - cared about him.

Besides that, there was just so much to do. So much to be done, so many people to save, and he had to have the fortitude to keep going, if not for him then for them.

He owed it to the world to keep fighting. After all the things he had seen, the things he’d done, the least penance he could pay was helping others.

And it was good. Almost sustainable, even. He’d get up each day and go for a run to rip the selfishness from him with each gasping breath, and then he would go to work.

So no, he didn’t want to die.

But, given the choice, he just might choose to not exist.

It was a very different vibe to wanting to die. Wanting to die felt so much more intentional to him; a reckless, violent urge of self-hate, maybe, or even despair.

He couldn’t be suicidal; to be suicidal he would have to actually care if he lived or died, to feel something concrete about it, rather than this leaden apathy.

Right?

Sam had spent his whole life trying to help. Any decision he had made just for him had come back and bitten him firmly in the ass, and he was past the point of trying to live for himself.

So what if he lived only for others? Living was still living.

And if maybe he idly entertained the thought of no longer being conscious, if he lingered a little too long in danger or by the alcohol stores, that was his own business and nobody else’s.

Sure, sometimes his life’s sole purpose felt like trying to bail the Titanic with a thimble. No matter how many people he saved, he would never save enough; no matter what he tried, where he went, there would always be someone, somewhere, suffering at that exact moment and he could do nothing to stop it.

He wasn’t God. He just had to live in this quite literally godforsaken planet, and somehow strive to make it better even while he himself deteriorated.

He was skilled at repression, at denial. He was a Winchester.

But he could also read the scars and his mood, and he knew he wasn’t okay.

He was sluggish at best; utterly incapable at worst.

He used to be so good at this. He used to think of what he did as worthwhile; exciting, even.

That whole feeling seemed so far away now. He tried to reach out, to touch it, but it was nothing more than a glamour; scattered ephemera that ran when he dared take them and try to make them real.

It was all so pointless. 

Anything he sought after was always torn from him. Who was he to get what he wanted, anyway? What made him so unique, so special, that he deserved to have the world cater to his every selfish whim, when so many others had it so much worse?

His water and his bread tasted of air and ashes.

He felt like he was already dead; a walking, talking corpse just waiting for his final heartbeat, curious in a distant way about when it would happen. Not if, or why. Just...waiting. Patiently. For the ultimate deadline.

Sam always did get his work done before the rest of the class.

So he kept doing what he had always done, except on the truly black days when he couldn’t so much as lift a finger.

He woke, he ran, he hunted, he ate, he slept. Perfectly ticking clockwork impatient to wind down.

When he couldn’t move, he would lie in bed, feeling himself falling away from his body and hoping that this time might be the one where he wouldn’t have to go back.

He always came back.

He tried hard not to be disappointed by this.

Somewhere along the way, he’d become so adept at surviving that it was almost insulting. He could neglect himself as much as he desired, and somehow, his stubborn existence continued. He was becoming gaunt, perhaps. Sharper, businesslike. Honed to breaking point and never quite tipping over into cracking.

He was so damn tired of existing. He wished he could break; shatter into shards that could be swept away like his burned remains. He wished he could cry. But he’d forgotten how.

And when the time finally came, to cash it in, pay his dues and meet Death?

He’d heard people felt regret, or pain, or confusion.

All he felt was mind-numbing relief.

“Is it over, now?” He wanted to say. He felt like a small child, lost and tired and crying out for home. “Am I done? Can I rest?”

And in answer to his screaming soul, Death sat gently with him, and spoke.

“Well played, Samuel Winchester.”

Those words soothed something in him he hadn’t even known ached. Finally, he thought. At long last, tears rose up, as if he were mourning his life, or overflowing with gratefulness.

The realisation came to him, softly, and for the first time in far too long, he smiled though his tears.

Sam didn’t want to die.

He just wanted peace.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what this even is. It's strange and weird and I'm not sure if it's calming or horrifying. 
> 
> I just had some shit to write through I guess.
> 
> Please, please look after yourselves and contact a crisis line such as https://www.crisistextline.org/depression/ or 911 or something like Samaritans or 7 cups of tea.
> 
> I love you my darlin's, stay safe & Always Keep Fighting <3


End file.
